Hero 2 Zero
Facing reality really sucks, Michael never showed yesterday and never called to say he wasn't going to. The kids were worried out of their minds and so was I. Funny thing is when I finally get ahold of him the kids act like it is no big deal. they don't want to say anything to him that will make him mad so only I get to see how they really feel about this whole situation. UNFAIR!!!! I get to be the one to listen to them talk about how hurt they are and how much they miss him, I get to hear them cry themself to sleep, and run to the door anytime a car runs by or jump for joy when the phone rings only to find out it is a wrong number or telemarketer. I miss the teamwork of having someone in my life. I miss the companionship, but most of all I really miss having someone to lean on being the strong one is lonley and it sucks. I used my check to pay the car insurance and house payment. I drew money out of savings to pay my car payment (left with under 100.00 in savings now) I know we are on the verge of losing our home but at least I bought us another month. Uncertainty clouds my judgement. I feel like a cornered animal that want's to las out. I think I may have to face the fact that the person I am in love with no longer exists. Then what? My kids are in such a fragile stateand they are hurting so bad , yet they put on the brave face for daddy. Whya re they letting him off so easy , he is the one who left. I am the one who is left behind, I am the one here for them and they are treating me like shit. Funnny how that works out. I am however at the point I am not accepting his excuse for leaving. I know things were ok these past couple years and I know he loved me . He has many reasons for leaving I am sure, but they have nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. Maybe I am wrong or in denial but I have had alot of time to think this past week and a half. I know we built a strong and happy home. We had some worse and alot of better. We were strong . Something changed about a month ago. Something is pulling him away from us and pulling our family apart. But it will not get better until he stops hiding and deals with things. I guess it is hard but I am thinking I am going to have to learn how to live without him. My heart breaks again to even type that. I have no other choices I fear.